Holding “Both/And”

Navigating Grief, Mixed Emotions, and Duality

Nov 20, 2024

Life often asks us to hold opposites in tension—joy and sorrow, energy and exhaustion, hope and despair. This duality feels especially relevant during times when personal grief coincides with societal celebrations, or when we're trying to move forward but feel too depleted to take the next step.

For Spoonies—those of us living with chronic illness and disability—this experience of “both/and” is familiar terrain. Our bodies have been our greatest teachers in navigating duality. We’ve learned to hold frustration and gratitude, progress and setbacks, and joy in the midst of struggle. These lessons have uniquely equipped us for this moment in history, where we must process grief while also finding ways to bring light into the darkness.

Grief Is Complex and Cyclical

Grief isn’t linear. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—offers a framework, but it’s not a checklist. You can feel angry one day, accepting the next, and overwhelmed by sadness the day after. Grief is fluid, moving through us in ways that can feel unpredictable.

As Spoonies, we often experience this in our health journeys. We grieve lost abilities, relationships, or identities, while also celebrating small wins—a symptom-free day, a supportive friend, or finding joy in unexpected places.

The “Both/And” Mindset

The concept of “both/and” challenges us to move away from dichotomous thinking, where everything is either good or bad, right or wrong. Instead, it invites us to hold space for multiple truths:

We can feel grateful for what we have and still long for what we’ve lost.
We can honor our pain while making room for joy.
We can grieve deeply and also be a source of light for others.

This mindset is liberating because it allows us to embrace complexity. It’s also inherently compassionate—both toward ourselves and others.

Moving Through Grief with Duality

Here are a few ways to process grief and hold duality in your life:

Name What You Feel
Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. Write them down, speak them aloud, or share them with a trusted friend or therapist. Naming your feelings creates space for them to move through you.
Honor Rest and Ritual
Grief is exhausting. Rest when you need to, but also create rituals to process your emotions—a walk, lighting a candle, journaling, or meditating. These small acts anchor you in the present moment.
Lean into Community
Grief often feels isolating, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Connecting with others who understand—or are simply willing to listen—can remind you that you’re not alone.
Focus on Tiny Lights
As Spoonies, we know how to look for glimmers—moments of light, even in the darkest times. A kind word, a favorite song, or a cozy blanket can be enough to remind us of beauty amidst pain.
Practice Radical Acceptance
This doesn’t mean giving up but rather acknowledging what is. Acceptance frees up energy otherwise spent resisting reality, allowing us to focus on what we can control.

Our Unique Resilience

Living with chronic illness and disability means living with uncertainty. We know how to find strength when resources are limited, to adapt when plans change, and to carry hope even when we’re exhausted. These skills make us uniquely prepared to navigate the complexities of grief and to bring compassion and light into a world that desperately needs it.

In this season of “both/and,” let’s honor our grief while also celebrating our resilience. Let’s hold space for complexity and find beauty in the messiness of being human.

Gather and Renew

If this post resonates with you—if you're navigating the complexity of grief, mixed emotions, or the duality of holding both and—I invite you to join me and Jayci Gibbs this Friday, November 22nd, at 11 a.m. Pacific / 2 p.m. Eastern for our first regular Recharge Room.

We'll be diving deeper into this theme of duality, sharing practical techniques for navigating grief, stress relief, grounding practices, and communication tips rooted in nonviolent communication. With the holiday season and recent election behind us, this space is designed to help you process, recharge, and move forward with intention and ease.

Let’s hold space for ourselves—and each other—this season. I’d love to see you there! (And did I mention it’s FREE?!)